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Miley Cyrus has bared her breasts, hoping to break free of Disney 1.0 out of 5 based on 1 votes.

But like Shia LaBeouf, Britney Spears et al, she'll find there's no escaping the magic kingdom

As one of Earth's most conspiracy-literate cognoscenti, you already know that the most sophisticated, secretive and powerful facilities in the United States are, in ascending order:

5 Area 51, Nevada.
4 Nasa, Washington DC.
3 Dulce Base, New Mexico.
2 Los Alamos National Laboratory, New Mexico.
1 Cinderella Castle, Disneyland.

You have long been aware that beneath the turreted pink confection in the Disney corporation's original Anaheim theme park lies the headquarters of America's most heavily classified black ops site – a place where the childhoods of the few are stolen in order to shape the childhoods of the many. Presiding over this eternal bargain is that notional entity known as The Mouse: not so much an animated rodent as a collection of empire-building principles, impressed on the world by an army of child stars.

Every defection from this force is seen as an impermissible betrayal to be secretly avenged. Contrary to popular myth, The Mouse's sense of laissez-faire has not been cryonically frozen with a view to its one day being reanimated: in fact, it never really existed. As Uncle Walt himself once put it: "Disneyland will never be completed. It will continue to grow as long as there is imagination left in the world."

And yet, there will be those Disney footsoldiers who dream of new existences – former child stars who imagine that there are second acts in American lives, away from its borders. In truth, there are few sights more grimly portentous than an erstwhile Mouse operative under the impression that they are going rogue. The path away from the magic kingdom is littered with the professional corpses of failed escapees. Lost in Showbiz thinks it would be helpful if you pictured it as one of those perilous tunnels in which Indiana Jones is always finding the skeletons of previous explorers. Turn back, little Mouseketeer, before you suffer the same fate!

Typically, alas, our Mouseketeer will not be told, somehow imagining that they can outgrow and even outgun the dream factory. Behold, then, the latest defector: erstwhile Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus, who this week announces what she imagines is her graduation from The Mouse's clutches with a ShockingTM photoshoot. Here she is clasping her naked breasts. There she is in open-backed S&M shorts. And here she is announcing: "I made a record for the people that I want to start to understand me."

Oh Miley! A little further down that decoy escape route, you will find the career remains of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. Forget the old adage that you can't fight city hall. You can't fight Cinderella's castle.

Having said all that, it's fun to watch people trying. For Lost in Showbiz's tastes, there really is little to touch former Disney star Shia LaBeouf's hilarious attempt to retroactively airbrush off his mouse ears by presenting an alternative backstory to the world in a GQ interview and profile I can only describe as auto-parodic. And priceless. Growing up in LA's Echo Park, the reader learned, Shia was "nearly the only white kid for miles", but blended in because of his self-confessed skills at freestyle rapping and breakdancing. "It was sort of your calling card," LaBeouf explained to GQ. "Like, yeah, I'm white, but I have soul."

If you're wondering when Shia managed this edgy childhood, considering that he was starring in Disney shows from the age of 10, then I must recommend you continue with the profile.

"Shia's forebears include a long line of counterculture roughnecks and artistes manqués," it revealed. "His maternal grandfather – from whom Shia takes his name – was a comedian and mafia barber on New York's Lower East Side, and his dad's parents were a Cajun Green Beret who drank himself to death and a beatnik lesbian who hung out with Ginsberg. This star-crossed tradition continued with his parents: Mom, a Jewish Earth Mama who sold handmade jewellery at local fairs; Dad, a Willie Nelson lookalike who was also a Vietnam vet, convicted felon, and commedia dell'arte clown …"

You're ribbing me now, right? Apparently not. "Shia proved to be exactly the sort of natural-born hustler that this oddball family needed. While he was still a toddler, the LaBeoufs started something called the Snow Cone Family Circus, whose business plan was based on the notion that their Latin neighbours in Echo Park really dug hot dogs and clowns. All three LaBeoufs would dress in greasepaint and motley and run around the park improvising slapstick routines, trying to get some of the riches of the late Reagan era to trickle down their way."

But of course they did – with Shia somehow finding time to pick up a daytime Emmy for his role in wholesome Disney series Even Stevens.

How GQ's version of history went down with The Mouse I can hardly say, but – coincidentally or otherwise – the interview appeared at the high-water mark of Shia's career. You'll note that his most notable achievement of the past couple of years was getting fired from a Broadway play, and going down in a hail of self-regarding tweets including observations such as: "Theatre belongs not to the great but to the brash." "I don't think he's in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theatre is," his co-star Alec Baldwin remarked tartly. "I mean, he was never in the theatre."

Ouch. Let that serve as a warning from The Mouse to his uppity former servants: your Timberlakes, your Efrons, your Aguileras. Lost in Showbiz has no idea how he will destroy the seemingly invincible Ryan Gosling (Mouseketeer class of '96) – but has every confidence that a way will be found, and that we'll know it when we see it. He comes for them all eventually.

Marina Hyde

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source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/lostinshowbiz/2013/may/02/miley-cyrus-bared-breasts-disney


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