Pass notes, No 2,843: Lady Gaga

I see. The lady does indeed sound gaga. Whatever will she do next? She's already done it. She's just appeared on the cover of Vogue Hommes Japan wearing a meat bikini.

I'm sorry, I thought you just said she appeared on the cover of a Japanese magazine wearing a meat bikini. I did. And she is.

But what do you mean, "a meat bikini"? I don't know why you're having such a problem with this. Instead of wearing Kermits or Kittys, she's standing there, artfully semi-draped in shanks of beef carpaccio. She looks delicious, if a tad impractical for the beach.

I don't understand. In my day, singers courted controversy by gyrating their pelvises or growing their hair below their collar line, not by wrapping themselves in sirloin. What's happened? Times have moved on, my friend. Blame David Bowie if you like. Or Queen. She took her name from their song Radio Ga Ga. Plus, she is at least as much a performance artist as a singer. She has a whole team of people working on her sartorial creations and stage sets – every song's a theatrical production.

She makes my eyes bleed. She makes my heart want to explode with joy.

She's a freak. She's fearless and fabulous and she's sold 15m albums and 51m singles worldwide and been named one of both Time and Forbes magazines' 100 most influential people in the world, so your New Look-bedecked self can shut up.

Not to be confused with Lady anyone else. Anyone else. A dog's breakfast.

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